I opened my journal and made a list of all my lovers. Name and surname. In chronological order.
I’d turned off the light and was feeling rather tired, around 1 am, a few nights ago.
But I had the urge to turn the light back on and make this list, before falling asleep.
I counted them all.
What does this number mean? I asked myself. Is it relevant? What does it say about me? Why did I even make this list?
So that you won’t forget, I answered. Because all these people are part of your story. And your story is relevant, it shows you have lived. You have shown up to everything that life has put on your plate.
Once you decided to live, you never shied away from life’s proposals. You stepped up to the plate and said Thank you. And More, please.
Like a good student, like a faithful servant of the One who sent you here.
That’s why you made the list, Dana. Because you are free.
There is one whose name I fail to remember.
But I remember his face. And I remember his eyes. I remember the air around him, as he moved. I remember his voice was cold and shallow.
He was short and slender, and his hair was the kind of black that shines in the dark. His skin felt warm and tight, over his carefully sculpted muscles.
I felt a lot of curiosity. I wanted to witness, for a few hours, in his presence, the way he experienced life. I wanted to feel and to see his small body close to mine.
I wanted to sense the quality of the air between us, as our bodies were exploring the other, in this cold hotel room, in boring shades of blue.
That was ten years ago.
When I didn’t care much about what might happen to me, I used to be perhaps a bit too generous with my time, my energy, my body, my presence.
Now I feel that has changed a bit.
I feel that, as I am crossing the threshold towards the autumn of my life, it feels good to me to slow down a lot and to really get to know myself again. Like really pay attention and be curious about who I really am now.
Who am I now, after all these years of such intense life?
What do I need now?
What do I like now?
Who do I want to spend my time with now?
Have I done what I have set out to do by this age?
What dreams am I still pregnant with?
What do I choose to birth in the second half of my life?
And here’s a short love note:
My love,
Your life is a miracle. Every breath of it. It’s a miracle you have made it so far. You deserve pleasure and love. And you deserve to be met.
Meet yourself. Offer yourself pleasure. Love yourself.
I mean, look around you. You have every reason to be happy with where you have arrived. Even now, as you’re crossing this threshold.
And be true. Even when it hurts you like hell. Don’t lie to yourself. Be more honest than brutal, but be brutally honest. Or kindly honest. But honest.
Everything you decide to stop doing from now on will only increase your level of freedom.
Everything you freely decide to do from now on is a huge bonus.
Remember you are a human being. So be.
You have already won.
Love,
Me
PS: Feel free to write yourself a little love note. And feel free to ask yourself these questions. And feel free to be. And feel free to feel. And feel free. And be free.
PPS: Is your name on the list? On the list of your lovers, I mean.
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